By John Souter
Actually, it might surprise you to learn that just as many grooms also become "moist" (we guys don't really cry, do we?) when I perform one of my wedding ceremonies at their Maui wedding. Why am I seeing all these tears? Your wedding is one of the most important moments in your lives together. When you look into each other's eyes, when you place a fragrant lei around your beloved's neck, when you slip that wedding ring on your lover's finger -- all sorts of emotions should rightfully well up inside your heart. You want to savor the memories, letting your feelings of past experiences with each other remind you of all the reasons why you are now holding hands, committing yourselves to each other for a lifetime of love. It is my job as a Minister to remind you why you're here. My ceremonies don't produce your emotions, they simply bring your focus in on your lover and all that he (or she) means to you. That often creates some emotional moments. And there is nothing wrong with letting that emotion flow a little bit. Because it wouldn't be there if your relationship hadn't grown and been through its ups and downs. I've tried to include in each of my ceremonies several things that I feel are important to this moment.
1. A wedding ceremony that is long enough to have some substance.
By this, I mean you want to feel that you're making a real commitment and not some quickie, superficial promise. Without overdoing it, I have worked at putting together three ceremonies that have what I think is some "substance" to them.
2. A ceremony that offers solid vows.
My Maui wedding vows are designed to really be the commitment to two hearts together for a lifetime. In the past, I've had couples ask if I would use the statement: "As long as your love shall last"? I won't do a ceremony that has that kind of easy-come, easy-go level of commitment. If you want to get out easily, why even bother to get married? Strong relationships are based upon strong commitments. If you both know that you can trust each other, it is so much more likely that you will have a marriage that lasts a lifetime. Isn't that what we all desire? Susan and I have been married for over 35 years, and it hasn't always been easy. But making (and remaking) our commitment to each other is a big part of staying together.
3. A ceremony that is also romantic.
You want to feel the moment and feel the romance. That's why I read a poem and also share other poetic statements. You want your thoughts to be focused upon each other rather than on what you have to do during the ceremony. That's why I like to go over the ceremony right before I give it so that you know ahead of time what to expect and so you don't have to work too hard on it. Making your wedding ceremony a romantic moment is what you want your future lives to be all about.
In my Spiritual Ceremony and my Contemporary Ceremony, I include a moment where I will have you look into your lover's eyes while I ask a few rhetorical questions designed to remind you about some memorable moments (like when you first met and when you first kissed). I want you to be able to savor the romance as you concentrate upon each other.
4. A ceremony that has a strong "closure."
We did a wedding a few years ago where a priest officiated. He preached a message, as if he was talking to a large congregation (and there were no guests in the chapel). When he reached the end of the ceremony, he never uttered the Pronouncement. He never told the couple: "I now pronounce you to be, husband and wife." I don't think I wrong when I say that this is the moment all couples come for. Everything else about a wedding is all fine and dandy, but it is the pronouncement that is the single most important thing that is happening. And if the minister forgets to utter those all important words, you will wonder, "did we really even get married?" That same priest even forgot to tell the groom, "You may kiss your bride." Did it happen or didn't it? When a minister realizes that he has the power to make two single people into "a couple" -- it is an awesome responsibility. That's why this is the most important moment of the entire ceremony. This is why you're here. With this in mind, I like to purposely drag out this moment a little bit at the end of the ceremony. I know the couple is hanging on my words at this moment. I know they're waiting for the pronouncement and the kiss, so I take my time, almost as if (like the priest) I have forgotten why we're here. On more than one occasion I've had an anxious bride speak out, "Oh, come oooon, you're killing me!" And when I do finally make that pronouncement -- hopefully with a strong powerful voice -- the couple has a sense of release and closure. And they will probably always remember the moment when they stopped being two single individuals and became a real "couple". That's certainly worth the extra wait. Because I want my couples to "feel" that they are truly, indeed, married. I want them to feel it is more than "a piece of paper" as so many have said in the past. I want them to feel thoroughly married and committed to each other. So which of ceremony is right for you? Make sure that you see what it is that your minister of "officiant" will be sharing. My wedding ceremonies are written out on our Maui Me website so that our couples can read them ahead of time.
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John Souter is a licensed minister and author who owns Maui Me, Inc., a full-service Maui wedding coordination company. You can find his web site at: maui-me.com
